There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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