My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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