We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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