My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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