Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
