I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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