Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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