hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
