i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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