Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
