I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
