I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
