I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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