dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
