Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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