Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Congratulations! We have a period
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
