: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
