I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
