Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
