girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
