I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
