Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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