Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
