ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
