He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The ass gains better be worth it
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