The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
