Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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