I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just threw up on my dentist
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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