I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
