so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
