Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
