I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
