i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
