i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
