did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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