She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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