and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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