I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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