I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
and you fell through a lawn chair
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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