im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i came on her dog
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
