Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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