So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
