It was confusing and full of hummus
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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