Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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