Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
sarcasm needs its own font
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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