Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize