I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
