Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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