dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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