I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
