I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
