If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
