I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
