I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Four minutes until I can fart!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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