Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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