I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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