I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
