I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
