hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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