My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
