i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
