either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
