I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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