either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
