So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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