So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
