my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
