I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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